Hoarding Elephants

I been living with my elephants for so long that they become house pets. I've become very attached to one particular elephant and was afraid that I would feel awkward with out its presence. Today I had to introduce this one and sadly let move on to more open pastures. I couldn't believe how much space it had been taking up and how much more open the room feels without it. It makes me curious how many other elephants I've been hoarding. So one elephant down, now I just need to get rid of this ghost...

Haunted Beach House

               Today I got the keys to my old studio back. I was thrilled to move back in! I was happy to see that all my little plates were present and not a single one was missing! The view of Chuck and Robbie's Dive Shop was just as quaint and gorgeous as I remembered. Everything was exactly as I had left it two years prior. Even though I had a few errands that I needed to run, I couldn't help but just stand in the studio and let the aroma of the mahogany cabinets flood my senses with vivid memories. The first memory I had was of my ex boyfriend being antsy and claustrophobic, counting the seconds as I packed an overnight bag so he could get the hell out of there. The second was of Chris and Tanya sitting on my couch comforting me when they got word that my cousin John Paul had died. And the third memory was of my brother's laundry laid out everywhere.
                 Lately I've been feeling pretty numb to all my good fortune. Seems like its difficult for me to feel happiness and when I do feel happy it's superficial and short-lived. I've been afraid that I'm quickly transforming into a spoiled bitch. I feel a void where my joy and human qualities once where. I haven't quite been able to place my finger on whats been missing. Sitting on my old couch unsettled me and brought that void feeling to the surface. Once again I felt the hopelessness that I felt during my final months here in this studio. My brother had slept restlessly on that same couch. The entire time that he was staying with me I suspected that he had cancer and that he was always moments away from death. With all his optimism and arrogance he insisted that the local doctors were right and he only had hemorrhoids. I went back to California to continue my education. He passed away six months later of stage four colon cancer at the age of thirty-one. I've been putting off  mourning him ever since. Diving head first into my endeavors has numbed the pain of my loss, but it has also numbed my joy and ability to connect with people.
            Earlier this evening I went for a much needed walk as my friend was napping in the bedroom. He says that when he woke up he heard me in the kitchen area, but when he turned on the lights he realized that I had left. I came here for a vacation but it appears that I'm in store for an old fashioned haunting over the next ten days. Wish me luck!

Holy Cross!

About two days into my stay on the island Colette of Be Kind Belize invited me to speak to the children at The Holy Cross Evangelical school about the importance of kindness. I was both flattered and terrified. Although I've spoken in front of crowds countless times, I've never spoken to a crowd of children. I'm not a kid person and I'm known for liking puppies far more than infants. In addition, since the Holy Cross school services underprivileged children, I was warned that they could be a bit unruly. The night before I was scheduled to give my speech I saw one of the Holy Cross students at the internet cafe. He had a pair of weight lifting gloves next to his monitor. I asked him what the gloves were for and he said "I just go around punching things." This made me feel even more uneasy. The next day I woke up early and prepared for my speech. Colette introduced me to the over two hundred children as "a successful business woman and fashion designer." The kids seemed unimpressed, then she added "and when she has spare time, she deejays." "Ooooooooowwh" responded the children in unison. I was very nervous during my speech because I don't consider myself a very warm person, nor kid person. I talked about how being kind has helped me advance in the pretentious fashion industry. After my speech Mary Gonzales gave an awesome speech about the importance of knowing what you want to be when you grow up, as well as knowing what you don't want to be. One little girl said that she wants to be like Mary when she grows up. The children and I were captivated by Mary's speech. Then the speech competition began, the kids trumped my speech by far, the were so well prepared and delivered. When the winner was announced the room irrupted with cheer, every child was sooo happy for the winner as she received the keys to her brand new bike. I was sent there to inspire the children but I was the one that left being inspired.

Be Kind Belize