Haunted Beach House

               Today I got the keys to my old studio back. I was thrilled to move back in! I was happy to see that all my little plates were present and not a single one was missing! The view of Chuck and Robbie's Dive Shop was just as quaint and gorgeous as I remembered. Everything was exactly as I had left it two years prior. Even though I had a few errands that I needed to run, I couldn't help but just stand in the studio and let the aroma of the mahogany cabinets flood my senses with vivid memories. The first memory I had was of my ex boyfriend being antsy and claustrophobic, counting the seconds as I packed an overnight bag so he could get the hell out of there. The second was of Chris and Tanya sitting on my couch comforting me when they got word that my cousin John Paul had died. And the third memory was of my brother's laundry laid out everywhere.
                 Lately I've been feeling pretty numb to all my good fortune. Seems like its difficult for me to feel happiness and when I do feel happy it's superficial and short-lived. I've been afraid that I'm quickly transforming into a spoiled bitch. I feel a void where my joy and human qualities once where. I haven't quite been able to place my finger on whats been missing. Sitting on my old couch unsettled me and brought that void feeling to the surface. Once again I felt the hopelessness that I felt during my final months here in this studio. My brother had slept restlessly on that same couch. The entire time that he was staying with me I suspected that he had cancer and that he was always moments away from death. With all his optimism and arrogance he insisted that the local doctors were right and he only had hemorrhoids. I went back to California to continue my education. He passed away six months later of stage four colon cancer at the age of thirty-one. I've been putting off  mourning him ever since. Diving head first into my endeavors has numbed the pain of my loss, but it has also numbed my joy and ability to connect with people.
            Earlier this evening I went for a much needed walk as my friend was napping in the bedroom. He says that when he woke up he heard me in the kitchen area, but when he turned on the lights he realized that I had left. I came here for a vacation but it appears that I'm in store for an old fashioned haunting over the next ten days. Wish me luck!