Warren and I were recently scrolling through my old pictures on Facebook when he noticed a photo with a girl's head partially cropped out of the frame. He asked me why she wasn't in the frame. I explained to him that she is just one of those people who I've never gotten along with and probably never will. Warren has known me for seven years so he knows that coming from me that statement carries some weight and there has to be an awesome back story. So again, I am repeatedly asked how I can not get along with such a sweet, artistic, loving, hippy girl? We should be made for one another right? Sadly, when two people are too similar, one HAS to be better than the other, attest the lesser of the two people. Thus begins all epic rivalries: Tom & Jerry, Darth Vader & Han Solo, Rosie O'Donnal & Donald Trump, Porsha & Kenya, Celeste & Melody.
I stumbled into my own personal rivalry in the most made-for-reality-tv way possible…
While I was selling timeshares in Belize, a handsome coworker offered to go kayaking with me after work. I LOVE water sports so I eagerly accepted his invitation. He wanted to go as soon as our workday ended so we could make it back before the sun started to set. I wouldn't have time to go home a get a swimsuit so I had to wear a pair of his boxer briefs. I felt so awkward just being in his apartment wearing his underwear, when I had just met him a couple days prior. Somehow I needed to make it out of the condo and fifty yards to the shore without embarrassing myself too badly. Oddly, the boxer briefs fit me well so I decided to rock it and own the look. I gathered my courage and stepped into the 4pm sunlight. I made it about 10 yards when a girl in a long white summer dress and matching white Kentucky Derby hat intercepted us. She was tall and strikingly beautiful, from a distance. I wondered where she was headed on a Tuesday afternoon, this far from town, all dressed up? My coworker told me to continue on to the water and he'll catch up to me. I asked awkwardly, in his boxer briefs, "am I interrupting something?" He assured me I wasn't. I continued on and looked behind me to see the two attractive people exchange a long embrace, then the beautiful young lady turned around and started walking back in the direction of town. So here in these boxer briefs, with a 60 pound canoe on my back, in Central-America I had stumbled into the most drawn-out catty rivalry one would love to see televised. At times I even had to step back and appreciate the cliche story line as it played out. I won't go into details but heres the Reader's Digest version:
Melody and Kyle were in a mutually beneficial casual relationship. Kyle needed a convenience, "something to do." Melody needed to make her on-again/off-again boyfriend Glenn jealous. Although Melody was just romancing Kyle to win back Glenn's affection, she began pressuring Kyle to upgrade her status from "casual" to "committed," upon sensing competition. I am not a competitive person, hence I am bad at sports, hence I opted to not spend anymore "alone time" with Kyle. After several weeks Melody's strategy had payed off and Glenn agreed to take her back. Kyle and I resumed kayaking after workdays. Once our time in Belize was up and we both moved back to the US, we began an arduous long-distance relationship. Kyle and I finally called it quits on our little relationship when I found an email on his computer where Melody was offering a "week-long sexscapade in Mexico" while Glenn was away working in Canada.
So, to this day, Melody will swear on her son's life that I "stole" her "boyfriend." I did no such thing. In fact, this was on of the many rumors I had to overcome in addition to enduring her cocktail-throwing rages. Looking back on this life experience as an older, slightly wiser version of myself, I wish that I would have bought my own damn canoe.
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| Melody, Kyle and Abbi at Sweet Basil |
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